You have just laded at the best site for funny mom jokes. Whether you are a new mum or your kids are already teenager, just take a cup of wine (why pretend) and keep scrolling. This will make you laugh loud, so be ready and if your kids come to you tell them… you are doing homework!
Sure, being a mum is hard
most part of the time sometimes , but there are plenty of situation filled with joy and grace. Get ready for some funny mum riddles, jokes, and puns.
Laughter is always the best medicine. Can cure your pain and can definitely erase a sad moment – at least for a while. But whether you’re in pain, sad or not, it’s always a good vibe sharing jokes and spreading the laughter to your whole family.
We collected many jokes:
Laugh, and share good vibes with these funny and hilarious mum jokes. Here’s what we collected for you:
Mom, mum, mummy, mommy…
We know mums reply to many words, like mom, mum, mummy, mommy,… or sometimes just a scream is enough for mums get to their kids as fast as they can
Do you write mom or mum?
Both spellings are correct and derive from mommy and mummy. Mom/mom is the more common spelling in American English, while Mum/mum is more common in British English.
Also, do you know that the word mom is similar in many languages? Here you have 5 examples, but there are many more!
- Welsh: “Mam”
- Brazilian: “Mae”
- Haitian Creole: “Manman”
- Afrikaans: “Moeder” or “Ma
Mother Jokes One Liners
Keep it simple, we know mums have not lot of time. Therefore, we collected the best one liners mum jokes for you:
Google cannot know everything, it is not your mom.
Nobody test more your inner gangster more than your daughters smart mouth.
That moment when you do catch yourself frustrated with your child… for being just like you.
Nothing is really lost…until mom can’t find it.
Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was. – Jenny McCarthy
You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
Being a mum is whispering “For Fuck’s shake” before answering to your name.
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids Then silence is suspicious.
Hakkuna mattodler means no relaxing for the rest of your life.
Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.
Babies are those adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.
Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.
If you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.
I always remind my kids that having a weird mom builds character.
Child: Definition of sweater: something you wear when your mother gets cold
Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid since I became a mom.
Read: more coffee jokes here.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
The closest a mum get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks in her face.
Can’t believe I shared my body with a child that won’t even share an M&M.
New mom jokes
Do you have a friend that just had a kid? Then she will laugh with these. Well, maybe she will need some time to laugh at them, but I am sure she will relate.
Motherhood: shower, hair and make-up in less than 5 minutes.
Do not fear child birth, that is the easy part. There is no epidural for motherhood.
Some days I amaze myself. Some others I just put the laundry in the oven.
Tired of yelling to get your kid’s attention? Try this:
- use the bathroom
- make a phone call
- relax on the couch
- open a chocolate bar
Parenting tip: if you feel crazy, you are doing it well.
Check your friends with 1-2 year olds. We are not okay.
No one told me being a mum meant my baby wold be up drinking at night and I’d be the one with a hangover.
Sitting in the car outside of your house is self-care. I can’t explain it, but if you know you know.
No one tells you how difficult is to complete a though once you become a mother.
Life does not come with a manual: it comes with a mum.
Parenting Hack: there are no hacks. Everything is hard. These kids don’t listen. This is your life now.
There is a fine line between a unique baby name and a crazy baby name. And that line is Phelony.
Whoever said “Money can’t buy happiness” obviously never hired a cleaning person.
My baby plays with a lot of garbage for someone who has 653 toys.
You don’t know fear until a toddler tries to put sunglasses on your face when you’re not expecting it.
Dear Baby, sorry for all the times I dropped crumbs on you while nursing.
Breastfeeding: the only weight loss program that increases your chest size.
I workout every day to keep up with my kids. Just kidding: I workout every day so I do not kill my kids.
Be kind. You never know who has just lost an argument to a 3 years old.
That joy when you just pumped enough milk for a girl’s night out.
My mourning routine would be so much easier if these kids would just serve me coffee and ibuprofen in bed.
My nick name is “Mom”, but my full name is “Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom “.
I wish someone would threaten to put me to bed for a change.
90% of what I say to my children after 6pm ends with: … or you can go to bed right now.
Mum fact: If you combine wine and dinner, then the new word is winner.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to find my phone in the car while using my phone as a flashlight.
Should I sleep or shower? I could sleep in the shower, but I am also starving…
Mom Jokes Funny
Here you have some hilarious jokes that will make mums laugh. Send them to other moms, or simply read them and keep them to you until the next party. I am sure you will be the queen when explaining them to your friends.
Q: What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Q: It’s time to go to sweep!
Q: What are the three quickest ways of spreading news (or rumors)?
A: Tell your mom, write it on Instagram, and they you will them in your neighborhood and Internet.
My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors brushed their teeth and cleaned their rooms.
I called out my kids that I was heating up a frozen pizza for dinner. My daughter, who is obsessed with all things Disney immediately asked: “Is it Frozen or Frozen 2?
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I am 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My kid: Mum, you owe me 3 Dollars
Me: Cool, you owe me 250k and a new stomach.
Q: What do you call a small mom?
Q: Why did the bean children give their mom a sweater for Mother’s Day?
A: She was chili…
Kid: What’s a man?
Dad: A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.
Kid: I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!
Mum life: Finding a chip in your bra.
Hard mum life: Eating it when you find it.
My daughter asked me once:
I f a leaf bug and stick bug have babies, will they be trees?
Kid: Mom, are bugs good to eat?
Mum: Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table.
After dinner, the mother inquired: Now, baby, what did you want to ask me?
Kid: “Oh, nothing,there was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.
Q: How do you organize a space-themed party?
A: You PLANET
I have got 99 problems, but I am having some wine and ignore all of them – at least until my kids call me.
My toddler is angry at me right now because I don’t know how to help her remember what she forgot to tell me.
It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.
Mum to her son: Look at that kid over there, he’s not misbehaving.
Son: Maybe he has good parents then!
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?
Q: What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato?
A: Catch up!
Please stop making kid’s toys that require help from an adult. That’s not what toys are for.
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his mom was in a jam!
Mom’s recipe for iced coffee:
- Have kids.
- Make coffee.
- Forget you made coffee.
- Drink it cold.
Son: Mom, you are in my personal space.
Mom: You came out of my personal space.
My mum told me if I get a tattoo I will have to move out.
My father could not lose the opportunity and got a tattoo himself.
Q: What color flowers do mama cats like to get?
A: Purrrrrrrple flowers.
Q: How many moms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, obviously, and she has to do it or else it won’t get done.
There is a legend that if you take a shower and scream out loud “Mom” three times, a nice lady appears bringing the towel you forgot.
kid: Mum, am I ugly?
Mum: I told you not to call me mum in public!
“It’s spicy” …
Universal Mom Code for “I don’t want to share.”
Q: How come the mother needle got mad at the baby needle?
A: It was way past its threadtime!
I finally got the talk to my kids. I told them that animals in the wild eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Read: 97 animal jokes.
Whenever you find like you are a bad mum, just remember that the mom from Home Alone was halfway to Paris when she realized she was missing a child.
I hate when I’m waiting for mom to cook dinner and then I remember that I am the mom and I have to cook dinner
A girl was practicing her singing skills when her mum told her…
Mum: I wish you were on TV.
Daughter: Thanks mom… Am I that good?
Mum: No, I’d just be able to turn your voice down.
Son: Mom, what’s a weekend?
Mom: I don’t remember sweetheart, I haven’t had one since you were born.
Based on the amount of laundry I do every week I am pretty sure there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet.
Q: What warm drink helps mom relax?
A: Calm-omile tea
One kid says to another kid: My mom is having a new baby.
The other kid replies: What’s wrong with the old one?
I love to play hide and seek with my kids, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where they can’t find me until… after high school.
My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.
I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.
Mum what’s it like to have the best daughter in the world?
I do not know sweetheart. You’ll have to ask grandma.
My Mum introduced me to minimalism.
It’s the least she could do.
Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous?
Mommy snake: Yes, son. Why?
Baby snake: I just bit my tongue!
School teacher: Tell me, Jenny. Do you say prayers before eating?
Jenny: No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.
Q: What did the momma say to the foal?
A: Its pasture your bedtime
Q: Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom?
A: Because she left the phone off the hook.
Kid: Mum! I’m going out!
Mum: You’re not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!
Mum: Because I can see your balls, Johnny
Q: What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
A: You spend too much time on the web.
Son: Mom can I get twenty bucks?
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money?
Son: Well isn’t that what M.O.M. stands for?
Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Student: When my mother sees my report card!
Read: 43 jokes about studying.
Q: Why did you chop the joke book in half?
A: Mom said to cut the comedy.
One kid to another one: My mum thinks I drink too much water. She called me an aquaholic.
I would be much better at not swearing in front of my kids if they were much better at not constantly making me lose my shit.
Q: What can a rock possibly say?
A: I’ll fuck ya mum rock hard
One kid to another kid. My mum runs 10k every single day.
The other kid answers: She’s probably gotten really far now, I don’t think she’s ever coming back.
kid: I know about dad jokes, but why are there no Mum Jokes.
Mum: Mums don’t joke, go ask your dad.
Being a mum is buying a jumpy house and swing set just so you can sit on the patio and drink wine in peace
She believe she could do it and she almost did it but then someone asked her repeatedly for a snack and she lost track of what she was doing.
My mum always told me she didn’t have a favourite child.
Bit sad really. I’m an only child.
Q: What did the digital clock say to its mother?
A: “Look, Ma! No hands!”
Q: What was Cleopatra’s favorite day of the year?
A: Mummy’s day.
I asked my child if she was tired, and she said “Yes. I am exhausting.”
She meant exhausted but she is not wrong.
Q: Why is a computer so smart?
A: It listens to its motherboard.
Q: What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day?
Q: What did the Panda give his mommy?
A: A bear hug
Q: Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
A: Because their kids have to play inside!
Q: What did the mother bullet say to the daddy bullet?
A: “We’re gonna have a BB!”
Ok, keep the kids away from this side, here it comes the dirty jokes… in case they are reading, I will just leave some easy ones, but you can read more adult jokes here.
A conversation between a Little Girl and her Mum
Girl: I want to donate a lot of the clothes I don’t wear to all of the little girls that don’t have any,
Mum: Who are these Girls??
Girl: You know, the ones on Daddy’s computer.
Q: What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes everyone go crazy?
A: $100 bill.
Q: What does your mum and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen
Q: What does one boob say to the other boob?
A: If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.
Q: How did you quit smoking after you baby was born?
A: I decided to smoke only after sex.
Your Mum Jokes dark
This is more the kind of jokes kids at school tell each other, so I thought you might know what kind of jokes they are telling each other in case you overhear them, or they try to tell you.
Your mum’s so old she knew Burger King when he was a prince
Kid: Mum, Am I adopted?
Mum: God, why would we choose you?
Your mum’s house is so small she has to go out to eat a large pizza.
Your momma is so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.
Mother is so slow when she walks in front of the TV she misses 8 episodes.
Your mum’s so stupid when you said it was chilly outside she grabbed a bowl
yo mama is soo stupid, because when see gave birth to you she asked for a receipt!
Your mum’s so fat she takes selfies in panoramic mode
Kid: Mum stop you are not funny, you never make jokes
Mum: I made you
Yo momma is so fat when she sat on WalMart, she lowered the prices.
Your mum’s so ugly her own portraits hang themselves.
Your mum’s so fat she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
Summarize Funny Mom Jokes
What’s your favorite jokes for mom? Mums are really cool even though kids do not realize. This is the reason why people just can’t stop making puns about it here and there. I hope you enjoyed this list of mum puns and jokes because surely, we did!
Are you looking for more jokes and puns? Of course, we have more for you. Since you stayed until the end, here are more jokes: