When we say the best, we only mean the best collection of what you want to find. The best selection of funny jokes for adults (not for kids) you can find that will make you laugh, giggle, and maybe more than you thought you can imagine. Yes! We have those goods here, too.
That is why we have strictly mentioned that these are for adults only. We got the juicy jokes and the sexiest pick-up lines you’ll find yourself hooked up to. So let’s cut the chase and start the good vibes.
You can also check out these amazing collections we have.
Even better: Best Star Wars Quotes
Here’s a collection of funny jokes for adults.
“What” Jokes for Adults
Question and answer jokes are like bright jokes that are designed to make two things: make us laugh and make us hilariously smart. Here are funny jokes to tell!
Question: What do you call useless skin on a penis?
Answer: A man.
Question: What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft?
Answer: Chewing gum.
Question: What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Answer: Thanks for coming!
Question: What did the penis say to the vagina?
Answer: Don’t make me come in there!
Question: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
Answer: I want you inside me!
Question: What does a perverted frog say?
Question: What comes after 69?
Question: What does one boob say to the other boob?
Answer: If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.
Question: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
Answer: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
Question: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Answer: “Beat it. We’re closed.”
Question: What did the penis say to the condom?
Answer: Cover me I’m going in!
“Why” Funny Jokes for Adults
Here are more question and answer jokes that can make you laugh. These are all ‘why’ jokes which we have selected that we find really funny. Let’s see if you would, too.
Question: Why is sex like math?
Answer: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.
Read: 47 more math jokes
Question: Why are men like diapers?
Answer: They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
Question: Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Answer: She outgrew her b-shells!
Question: Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
Answer: It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
Question: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
Answer: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Do you want even more jokes of this level? Have a laugh with these super dirty jokes for adults.
Question: Why is Santa so jolly?
Answer: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Question: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Answer: They don’t have balls to scratch.
Question: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
Answer: Because they’re plugged into a genius.
Question: Why did God give men penises?
Answer: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Clean Adult Jokes
We did not only prepare the sexiest but we also looked up for the best clean jokes for adults (not some dumb jokes for adults). Just to balance things and you decide to just go for the clean ones, here’s the perfect list to go to.
Question: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Answer: Together we can stop this shit.
Question: What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
Answer: A walkie talkie.
Question: What did the femur say to the patella?
Answer: I kneed you.
Question: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Answer: Every morning you’ll rise and shine.
Question: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
Answer: Lettuce get together.
Question: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
Answer: An ambulance.
Question: What has four wheels and flies?
Answer: A garbage truck!
Question: Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
Answer: She kept running away from the ball!
Question: Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
Answer: Lack of concentration.
Question: Why can’t you play hockey with pigs?
Answer: They always hog the puck.
Question: Why did Mozart sell his chickens?
Answer: Because they kept saying “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Husband and Wife Funny Jokes
More of adult jokes, here are the best husband and wife funny jokes. And I would admit, husband and wife jokes are hilarious. Check them out and see if you would agree.
A 70-year-old man asked his wife…
Husband: Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?
Wife: No, not at all. Even dogs chase cars they can’t drive.
Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed?
Husband: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Wife: What trick?
Husband: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep.
Wife: Look at that drunk guy.
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 years back he proposed to me and I rejected him.
Husband: Oh my God! He’s still celebrating!
Husband: Honey, I have a problem at work.
Wife: Not “I”, but “We” have problems – since we are married. Your problems are my problems as well.
Husband: Okay! Then I wanted to let you know that we got our office girl pregnant.
Husband: I’m in the mood for something kinky tonight. How about I blow my load in your ear?
Wife: No! I might go deaf!
Husband: I’ve been shooting my wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you’re still fucking talking, aren’t you?
Husband: I had to show my grey chest to get my pension today.
Wife: You should show them your dick, we’d get disability allowance!
Wife: You wanna change positions tonight?
Wife: Okay! You do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart.
Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don’t even know her.
Husband is walking behind his wife and says…
Husband: Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine.
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife: I’m not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You’ll have to do it by hand.
Husband and his wife are sitting in front of their PC and trying to set up a new password
The husband types ‘mypenis’ as a password. The wife immediately falls on the ground laughing as she sees an error message on the computer screen that reads as “Error! Password’s not long enough!”
Two-year-old spits food on the floor
Wife: We don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband: *raises eyebrows*
Wife: You shut up!
Short Funny Jokes for Adults
Here are more funny smart jokes for adults that are longer than question and answer and one-liner jokes. A few short stories that can crack you up to laughing, ’cause we certainly did. Just browse up and check them out.
Mom kills a cockroach
A child kills a butterfly.
Father says, “No butter for two weeks!”
The child kills a honeybee.
Father says, “No honey for two weeks!”
Mom kills a cockroach.
The child turns to his Father and says, “Are you gonna tell her or should I do it?”
You ain’t riding it
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says, “No chance love, they’re way too expensive.”
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lowers on to her thigh.
She turns to him and says, “I don’t think so mate. If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell ain’t riding it.”
Ten pieces of the same kind of fruit
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I bought ten apples.”
The king then explained the trial to him.
“You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten up.”
Two apples went in… but on the third one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8… and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it.”
The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
Worst nose bleed I’ve ever seen
This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice.
The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife’s pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection.
That night he decided to make his move.
He turned out all the lights and got into bed.
Then he put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose.
After that, he felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen.
Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers.
He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect.
He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose.
Soon he was sporting the biggest hard-on he could remember.
He said, “Honey, quick turn on the lights, and check this out!”
She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked, “What do you think?”
She looked at him and said, “Looks like the worst nose bleed I’ve ever seen!”
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he proceeds to walk towards the front desk, his elbow accidentally hits a woman’s breast.
The man tells the lady in a shaky voice, “If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me.”
The lady replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”
“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”
Lie detector robot
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching Kungfu Panda!
The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom.
Same old cow
My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached and said, ‘This bull mated 50 times last year’.
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.”
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached and said, ‘This bull mated 150 times last year’.
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “Wow! That’s more than twice a week. You could learn a lot from him.”
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, she said,
“That’s once a day. You could really learn something from this one.”
I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.”
Not a gynecologist
An old lady went to visit her dentist.
When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.
The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.”
“I know,” said the old lady.
“I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
Getting a second opinion
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
“What took you so long to answer?” he asked.
“I was in bed,” she replied.
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
Sexual Adult Pick-up Lines
There’s nothing sexier than a pick-up line that is as inviting as these we have collected. These are most of the sexiest adult pick-up lines out there. Check them out and see what magic awaits you.
Do you want to spice up my sex life?
You must be a doctor! You just cured my erectile dysfunction.
I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way and you’ll be lovin’ it.
We should play strip poker. You can strip and I’ll poke you.
One of my friends told me girls hate oral, do you wanna help me prove him wrong?
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.
Let’s play carpenter. First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
Are you a raisin?
Because you’re raisin my dick.
Are you a pirate?
Because I have a lot of semen waiting for you.
Read: many more hilarious and slightly dirty pirate jokes
Was your dad a baker?
Because you’ve got a nice set of buns.
Are you my new boss?
Because you just gave me a raise.
Hi, I’m wasted but this condom in my pocket doesn’t have to be.
Are you a cowgirl?
Because I can see you riding me.
Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.
Fuck me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist right?
Did you grow up on a chicken farm?
Because you sure know how to raise a cock.
Are you a tortilla?
Because I want to flip you over and eat you out.
Are you a flappy bird?
Because I could tap you all night.
I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.
If we were both squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?
I would tell you a joke about my penis, but it’s too long.
Remember my name, because you’ll be screaming it later.
I’d like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your ass?
If you were an elevator, what button would I have to push to get you to go down?
Do you have pet insurance? Because your pussy’s getting smashed tonight.
Summary for Funny Jokes for Adults
Did you enjoy the collection we have compiled for you? What was your favorite funny joke for adults? Is it the funny jokes for adults? Or the sexy and juicy lines? Whatever it is, we love you stayed until this point.
And since you’re still here, we got more jokes for you:
- Knock Knock Jokes (very funny)
- Hilarious Cat Jokes 2021
- Corny Jokes Plus Cheesy Pick-up Lines
- Offensive and Inappropriate Jokes
Your turn: What are your best jokes related to Funny Jokes for Adults?
We would love to make this article even better and funnier so we would like you to be part of it. Write down in the comments below the best adult jokes that you know or the funniest you have heard. We’d like to hear what you have.
Have a good laugh!