84 HILARIOUS Husband Jokes That Will Make You Laugh So Hard!

84 HILARIOUS Husband Jokes That Will Make You Laugh So Hard!

Marriage; To be honest, it is not an easy topic to talk about. So, instead of trying to push it, let’s just dive into our list of humorous husband jokes.

While these husband jokes and gags may make fun of your marital status, they’re merely meant to be amusing—while also making light of how difficult married life may be at times.

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If you’re looking for jokes about wife and husband to share during a wedding speech or write in a wedding anniversary card, these funny husband jokes are perfect! We have funny marriage jokes if you want more!

Funny Husband Jokes One Liners

Here are some of the best husband jokes one-liners to make your marriage more enjoyable. These jokes aren’t meant to belittle the wife or the husband, and we don’t believe in gender stereotypes. It’s merely an attempt to put a smile on their faces.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

A man is incomplete until he is married

I’m an excellent housekeeper.
Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman.
And behind her stands his wife.

Only after getting married, you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

One woman’s hobby is another woman’s hubby.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

Wife Teasing Husband Jokes

These amusing wife teasing husband jokes will make you laugh so hard. So, rather than waste time, let’s all dive into the hilarious sea of husband-wife jokes and laugh ourselves silly! Hooray!!

Read more: BEST Jokes for Adults

Her: It’s our anniversary, dear. How do you suggest we celebrate it?
Him: With a minute of silence?

Her: It’s our anniversary, dear. How do you suggest we celebrate it

Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.

Her: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
Him: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
Her: “True but I do.”

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look attractive.
So I got drunk.

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married.
I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly, darling! It’s a computer, not a husband!!

How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
Buy her a diamond ring.

How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves

Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got smaller.

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”

Her: “All my friends are telling me I married an idiot!”
Him: “What they mean is, only an idiot would’ve married you!”

Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that’s true everywhere.

American scientists finally found out what a woman wants.
Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.

Funny Wife Jokes To Husband

Marriage can be difficult, but with our hilarious wife jokes to husband and funny husband jokes, you may enjoy the lighter side of marriage. For a good laugh, look through our selection of love jokes.

Laugh more: Offensive and Inappropriate Jokes

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

Why do men want their brides to wear white?
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds “Wife Wanted”.
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: “You can have mine.”

A man had his credit card stolen.
He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Chinese: “Me not come to work, me sick.”
Boss: “When I’m sick I have sex with my wife, try it.”
Later Chinese called back: “It worked. Me better. You got nice house!”

The husband says to the wife: “My Olympic condoms have arrived. Think I will wear gold tonight.”
The wife says: “Why don’t you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?”

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife.   
Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

Dirty Husband Jokes

A joke, like a marriage, does not have to be complicated. As a result, we’ll start with some simple and quick jokes. These dirty husband jokes might sometimes be enough to make the world go round and have everyone on the floor laughing like crazy! Take note that comedian jokes about marriage are included in this list.

Read more: Funny and Dirty Jokes

What’s the best part of gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

Read more: BEST Garden Jokes

What’s the best part of gardening

Why do vegetarians give good head?
They are used to eating just.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it we’re closed.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking?
She’s gonna eat me!

How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.

I lost my virginity.
Can I have yours?

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet

What’s long, hard, and full of semen?
A submarine!

Why does Santa have a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

Marriage Jokes For Adults

Till death do us part, and what GOD joined together let no man separate. Familiar quotes for wedlock that we always hear. But now we have a collection of humorous matrimony jokes for adults. In its most profound intimacy, you can also indulge in this once-in-a-lifetime experience of incredible fun with your mate. Come let’s explore these funny jokes for married couples.

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can.
She’s telepathetic.

I know what you’re all thinking: Doesn’t the best man look great in his suit! I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime which includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months.
But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional – I’ve just been collapsing a lot from all the nerves and stress.

I’d now like to focus on the groom for a moment.
Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention.

Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”
Wife: “I’m looking for an expiration date.”

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff.
Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff

For those of you without the internet, I’ll update you on the Bride’s Facebook account, which she’s secretly using under the table as I speak.
Her status has been changed to ‘married’, both of her parents immediately ‘disliked’ this, and 32 guys in this room have already “poked” her.

Didn’t she (the bride) look absolutely gorgeous as she swept down the aisle.
Well, (groom’s name), you can be sure that’s the very last time you will see her sweep!

Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.

You don’t really want to do it but know you have to.
You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community.
The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.

The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to.
That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.

Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

Marriage is becoming more and more progressive.
I heard two scoutmasters recently decided to tie the knot.

Marriage is becoming more and more progressive

I was never really aware of how much blood, sweat and tears went into arranging a wedding.
Hours of discussion, debate and disagreement—and finally he/she asked me to marry him/her.

Do you know why the king of hearts married the Queen of hearts?
They were perfectly suited for each other.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

The bride and groom began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together – during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better.
And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume the groom had her wings clipped.

Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom!
To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?

Short Husband Jokes

Husbands should be the leader in the family. Since everything rises and falls in leadership, husbands should also create an atmosphere of joy in the house. So that fun and laughter will be felt in every corner of the house. Come let us enjoy these short husband jokes that surely will make your day bright.

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god by placing burnt offerings before me every night

Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.

Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.

Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn’t know her first name was “Always”.

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

If I could just say a few words, I’d be a better public speaker!

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.

Husbands And Wives Jokes

Husband and wife can courageously strengthen each other by spending time with one another. Sharing these husband & wife jokes about marital experiences can be a great source of joy. Come join us in experiencing inexpressible joy by reading these humorous wife & husband jokes.

Read more: BEST Butt Jokes That Are Just Booty-ful

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

When did you get to know your spouse?
Sadly, a week or two after the wedding.

I turned to my father one night and said, “It’s amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?”
He replied, “I can’t drive.”

Women marry because they believe that he’ll change one day.
Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are mistaken.

Husband: I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.
Friend: Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: The table was too heavy.

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me now.

Mom, what does the stork do once he has fed the baby?
He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps, and farts.

Laugh more: Funny Bar Jokes

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out.
When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

A man in conversation with his friend. “My wife is on a three week diet.
The friend curiously asks, “How much has she lost? The man replies, “Her life.”

Laugh more: Best Jokes Ever Told

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
”Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked, puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.


Got your favorite jokes of wife and husband?

Relationships are difficult. Marriage? Even more difficult. Don’t get us wrong: marriage has a lot of advantages. I don’t know about you, but the amusing wife & husband jokes make us giggle! I hope they brightened your day as much as we did, and if you’re married, I hope you can share them with your partner and laugh some more.

If you aren’t, you may still share them with your closest friends and help to make the world a better place. You’ve heard it before: sharing is caring!

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I am Jimmy, clown at heart. I love silly, funny, nerdy, quirky jokes. So I thought I should start a website about jokes. Why a carrot as a logo? Why not! Here, have a carrot!