Funny and Dirty Jokes

Funny and Dirty Jokes: A Combination of Tickle and Giggle

Just like in the movies and in magazines, there are items that are wholesome and there are items intended just for adults. Some want a good laugh and some want it with a little tickle. Just like what we have here for you! We have collected the best dirty funny jokes you want to hear.

Jokes that you want to share with someone. And jokes that you just want to use to hit on your target and we may not know, get you hooked. Yes, we have compiled the funniest and dirtiest you can find.

And because you found us, we have also added interesting sex facts you didn’t know.

We also have a good collection of Corny Jokes and Cheesy Pick-up Lines you can check out.

Even better: We collected 69 BEST DIRTY Jokes for Adults (seriously not for kids)

So what are we waiting for? Let’s cut the chase and start to get things rolling hot.

One-liner Funny Dirty Jokes

One-liner dirty jokes to keep short and simple. Direct to the point and ready to hit the road. Let’s pump it up!


Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind. You’ll never get it!


My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sex… I said I haven’t looked.


Sex on TV can’t hurt… unless you fall off.


69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.


Having sex in an elevator is wrong, on so many levels.


I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.


Sex is like a burrito, don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence

Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.


A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”


This may seem corny, but you make me really horny.


My mom thinks I`m gay, can you help me prove her wrong?


Your butt is nice but it would be nicer if it was on my lap.


Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!


Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?


Congratulations! You’ve been voted “Most Beautiful Girl In This Room” and the grand prize is a night with me!


With great penis, comes great responsibility.

Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it

Two fish swim into a wall… One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”


Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.


Please tell your tits to stop looking at my eyes.


What’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?

I don’t have a Ferrari.


Are u a sea lion? Because I want to sea u lion in my bed later!


I’ve been wondering, do your lips taste as good as they look?


I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Dirty and Funny Question and Answer

Of course, we will not forget this exciting section of the dirty and funny question and answer. You get the question running and let’s start the dirty talking.


Question: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

Answer: A wet nose.


Question: What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes everyone go crazy?

Answer: $100 bill.


Question: What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?

Answer: A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.


Question: What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Answer: Gum!


Question: Want to hear a joke about my penis?

Answer: Nevermind. It’s too long.


Question: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Answer: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes everyone go crazy

Question: What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?

Answer: A liar.


Question: What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?

Answer: “It’s not what it looks like!”


Question: Why is masturbation just like procrastination?

Answer: It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.


Question: How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

Answer: It’s not hard.

Read: 41 best beach jokes


Question: What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

Answer: One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.


Question: How is life like toilet paper?

Answer: You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.


Question: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Answer: Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.


Question: What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

Answer: They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach

Question: What kind of bees make milk?

Answer: Boo-bees.


Question: What do clowns get turned on by?

Answer: Balloon blow-up dolls.


Question: What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?

Answer: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.


Question: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Answer: Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.


Question: What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Answer: Slow down and use some lubricant.


Question: What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

Answer: A glad-he-ate-her.


Question: How do you make your bae scream during sex?

Answer: Call and let them hear it.


Question: What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Answer: Where you stick the cucumber.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer

Question: What do you call a cheap circumcision?

Answer: A rip-off!


Question: What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking?

Answer: She’s going to eat me!


Question: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Answer: Beef strokin’ off!


Question: What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

Answer: The taste!


Question: What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Answer: Thanks for coming!


Question: Why did the sperm cross the road?

Answer: Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.


Question: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

Answer: A man will actually search for a golf ball.


Question: What did the elephant ask the naked man?

Answer: How do you breathe out of that thing?

Half of the total money spent on the internet is spent on sex

Question: How did you quit smoking?

Answer: I decided to smoke only after sex


Question: What’s long and hard and full of semen?

Answer: A submarine!


Question: What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check?

Answer: Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.


Question: What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Answer: Finding out it was traced.


Question: What are the three shortest words in the English language?

Answer: Is it in?


Question: What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls?

Answer: A white Christmas!

Read: funny jokes for the holidays


Question: What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Answer: Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.


Question: Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Answer: Ken came in another box.


Question: What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?

Answer: A man.


Question: What does a horny frog say?

Answer: Rub it.

Dirty and Funny Knock Knock Jokes

And the classic knock knock jokes will not be missed. Here are some of the best we have so far.

Read: our favorite best knock knock jokes of all times.


Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Dewey!
Dewey who?
Dewey see a condom? It’s dark in here!


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?! Gross!


Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Fuck you said.
Fuck you said who?
“Me!”


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
(sexy voice) Who would you like it to be?


Knock, knock.
Whos there?
Ben.
Ben Who?
Ben down and lick my boots!


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iguana.
Iguana who?
Iguana touch your butt.


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Waiter.
Waiter who?
Waiter I get my hands on you.

Iguana touch your butt

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozer.
Dozer who?
Dozer the biggest breasts I’ve ever seen.


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kiss.
Kiss who?
Kiss me!


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana kiss your lips off.


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ben Dover.
Ben Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anita!
Anita who?
Anita you right now!


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you!


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda Lay you, your lonely nights are over!


Short Stories on Dirty and Funny Jokes

Some like it with short stories and we considered that one, too. So here are some real dirty and funny short stories that really got us laughing.


The wrong room

An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.”

“You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied.

“Now you have to remove them.”


That was just an insect

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says,

“Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.”

“Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”


You’ve been eating grass

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”

The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”


Please advise

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.”

Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

These are customer complaints


The cucumber grew four inches

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem.

The neighbor says, “All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red.”

The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes.

The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman’s house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red.

The woman says “No, they’re still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!”


Eating bananas

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”


Just ice cream

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it.

While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.

The penguin isn’t the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.

When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.”


Replace the battery

An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says,

“I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”


Something for a change

An old couple is ready to go to sleep.

The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”

The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

Men have 11 erections per day on average


Now you know how I always feel

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

The husband sighs and complains,

“This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!”

“Good,” replied his wife.

“Now you know how I always feel.”


Everything fell off

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off…

After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.

Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.

I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.

Now I’m afraid to pee.


Lobster

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says,

“What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?”


Trying to examine you

A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.

The doctor walks in and says,

“I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”

“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”


Customer complaints

A man boards a plane with six kids.

After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks,

“Are all of those kids yours?”

He replies, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”


Interesting Sex Facts You Didn’t Know

What I loved while doing this collection was also learning these interesting sex facts that never did I know. And I’m sure you’d find these sex facts very much fascinating.


Did you know?

A female ferret will die if she doesn’t have sex for a year.


Did you know?

Wearing socks can increase a woman’s chances of having an orgasm.


Did you know?

A small percentage of women can achieve orgasms through nipple stimulation alone.


Did you know?

Half of the total money spent on the internet is spent on sex.


Did you know?

5% of adults have sex once a day. 20% have sex 3-4 times per week.


Did you know?

Women can have two types of orgasms – vaginal and clitoral.


Did you know?

Men have 11 erections per day on average.

Orgasms can alleviate the pain of a migraine


Did you know?

A single sperm contains 37.5 MB of DNA information. One ejaculation represents a data transfer of 15,875 GB, equivalent to the combined capacity of 62 MacBook Pro laptops.


Did you know?

The clitoris contains 8000 nerve fibers, twice as many as the penis.


Did you know?

You burn around 200 calories during 30 minutes of active sex.


Did you know?

Orgasms can alleviate the pain of a migraine.


Did you know?

Frequent sex can improve memory in women.


Did you know?

During sexual intercourse, in addition to the genitals and breasts, the inner nose also swells.

Summary for Funny Dirty Jokes

Glad you’re still here at the end. Did you have enough giggle and tickle? I hope you enjoyed our collection of Funny Dirty Jokes.

But since you stayed until the end, here are more jokes to give you more giggles and laughter:

Your turn: What are your best jokes related to Funny Dirty Jokes?

We would love to make this article even better and funnier so we would like you to be part of it. Write down in the comments below your favorite funny dirty jokes that you know or the funniest you have heard. We’d like to hear what you have.

Have a good laugh!

Julia
I am Julia, I love to laugh and I love to make people laugh.