Enjoy the game, enjoy these funny golf jokes. I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty.
Do you share these jokes? Please add a link to this site. Next pint in the club house is on me!
Now, enough talking, let’s swing this thing….
Super Funny Golf Jokes
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a lion playing golf?
Answer: “Roarin’ Mcilroy”
I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!
I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake.
A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse to play a round of golf together.
The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt. The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed: “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?”
Friend: “Somersaults? That’s incredible. How many does he do?”
Man: “Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”
What is the difference between a fisherman and a golfer?
When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring any proof home.
A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “Its golf balls.”
The blond looked at him compassionately and said: “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?”
A threesome were getting ready to tee off on the 10th when they notice a single player, running up the fairway, taking a shot almost immediately to then run up to the green for a 3 putt to put it in.
The threesome were curious what was going on. As he approached the threesome, he said “Hey guys, do you mind if I play through. I just got a call – my wife has had a life threatening car accident and I’m worried I might not make it.”
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention.
The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have four sons, one more and I will have a basketball team!”
The Catholic pooh-poohs that accomplishment, stating, “That is nothing actually. I have 10 sons, one more and I will have my own football team.”
To which the Mormon replies, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I will have a golf course!”
Two men were playing a round golf, one of the men was just about to make his golf swing when he noticed a large funeral group passing by on a nearby road. The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer.
His playing partner: “Wow that was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever witnessed.”
Man: “Well, I was married to her for 30 years.”
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
“Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!”
Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement:
“Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!”
Mike had had enough and shouted: “Would the horse’s ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!”
After shooting 30 over par after 18 holes, Jim is on his way home from the 18th having a chat with his Karen.
“That round was so poor, I think I’m going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself”
“I honestly doubt that. You won’t be able to keep your head down long enough”
A married couple were golfing when all of a sudden the wife asks,
Wife: “Honey, if I die, will you marry again?”
Husband: “Of course not.”
Wife: “I think you would.”
Husband: “Fine, I probably will”
Wife: “Will you let her sleep in our bed?”
Husband: “Yeah, probably I guess.”
Wife: “Would you even let her use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No way, she is left handed.”
Why did the golfer have to change his socks?
Because he had a hole in one
Dirty Golf Jokes
Golfing is like masturbation, sex or pooping?! You want some dirty golfing jokes, we got them for you.
What do you call a blonde at the driving range?
Lift your head and spread your legs.
Golfing? Golfing is a lot like masturbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it is disgusting to watch.
How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife?
He always puts his driver in the wrong bag.
What does masturbation and 4 putting have in common?
Even though you’re a little ashamed of what you have done, you know you will do it again.
What is the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball lost in the rough?
Guys will spend at least 5 minutes looking for a golf ball.
What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day?
Wash your balls.
What do you call a blonde at a golf course?
The 19th hole.
If a bird sh#ts on your golf cart, do not ever take her golfing again.
Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray.
A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event.
After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young woman by the clubhouse. He went up to her, talked to her, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together.
In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed.
Man: “Please don’t go. I love you and I want you to stay with me.”
Woman: “You don’t understand…I’m a hooker.”
Man: “That is no problem, darlin, you probably just have too strong a grip.”
What’s the difference between golf and sex?
A bad hole won’t get you a slap across the face when you play golf