Enjoy the game, enjoy these best golf jokes. I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty.
Do you share these funny golf jokes? Please add a link to this site. The next pint in the clubhouse is on me!
Now, enough talking, let’s swing this thing…
Hilarious Golf Jokes
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
Laugh more: Amusing Jokes To Tell Your Friends
What do you call a lion playing golf?
Answer: “Roarin’ Mcilroy”
I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!
I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake.
A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse to play a round of golf together.
The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt. The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed: “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?”
Friend: “Somersaults? That’s incredible. How many does he do?”
Man: “Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”
A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “Its golf balls.”
The blond looked at him compassionately and said: “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?”
One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.”
Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?”
John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can’t get out of here with a seven.
What is the difference between a fisherman and a golfer?
When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring any proof home.
Laugh more: Funny Fish Jokes
A threesome were getting ready to tee off on the 10th when they notice a single player, running up the fairway, taking a shot almost immediately to then run up to the green for a 3 putt to put it in.
The threesome were curious what was going on. As he approached the threesome, he said “Hey guys, do you mind if I play through. I just got a call – my wife has had a life threatening car accident and I’m worried I might not make it.”
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention.
The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have four sons, one more and I will have a basketball team!”
The Catholic pooh-poohs that accomplishment, stating, “That is nothing actually. I have 10 sons, one more and I will have my own football team.”
To which the Mormon replies, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I will have a golf course!”
Laugh more: Hilarious Basketball Jokes
Two men were playing a round golf, one of the men was just about to make his golf swing when he noticed a large funeral group passing by on a nearby road. The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer.
His playing partner: “Wow that was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever witnessed.”
Man: “Well, I was married to her for 30 years.”
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.
He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
“Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!”
Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement:
“Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!”
Mike had had enough and shouted: “Would the horse’s ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!”
After shooting 30 over par after 18 holes, Jim is on his way home from the 18th having a chat with his Karen.
“That round was so poor, I think I’m going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself”
“I honestly doubt that. You won’t be able to keep your head down long enough”
A married couple were golfing when all of a sudden the wife asks,
Wife: “Honey, if I die, will you marry again?”
Husband: “Of course not.”
Wife: “I think you would.”
Husband: “Fine, I probably will”
Wife: “Will you let her sleep in our bed?”
Husband: “Yeah, probably I guess.”
Wife: “Would you even let her use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No way, she is left handed.”
Why did the golfer have to change his socks?
Because he had a hole in one.
A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked a question.
“Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor.
“P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.
“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
Dirty Golf Jokes
Are you looking for some funny jokes? Spice things up with these dirty golf jokes. Make your partner smile with these adult golf jokes. That I am sure of will make your day full of joy!
Golfing is like masturbation, sex, or pooping?! You want some dirty golfing jokes, we got them for you.
Read more: Hilarious poop jokes that kids will love!
What do you call a blonde at the driving range?
Lift your head and spread your legs.
Golfing? Golfing is a lot like masturbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it is disgusting to watch.
How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife?
He always puts his driver in the wrong bag.
What does masturbation and 4 putting have in common?
Even though you’re a little ashamed of what you have done, you know you will do it again.
What is the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball lost in the rough?
Guys will spend at least 5 minutes looking for a golf ball.
What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day?
Wash your balls.
What do you call a blonde at a golf course?
The 19th hole.
Laugh more: Funny Blonde Jokes
If a bird sh#ts on your golf cart, do not ever take her golfing again.
Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray.
A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event.
After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young woman by the clubhouse. He went up to her, talked to her, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together.
In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed.
Man: “Please don’t go. I love you and I want you to stay with me.”
Woman: “You don’t understand…I’m a hooker.”
Man: “That is no problem, darlin, you probably just have too strong a grip.”
What’s the difference between golf and sex?
A bad hole won’t get you a slap across the face when you play golf.
Short Golf Jokes
Playing golf is fun and exciting, but these Short Golf Jokes will make your game enjoyable. So what are you waiting for? Check it out now!
When is it too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing.
Laugh more: Hilarious Disney Jokes
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.
Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly… or start cheating.
Funny Golfer Jokes
Whether you are watching or playing golf, everyone loves a good golf joke that’s why we’ve rounded up these Funny Golfer Jokes that you and your friends can laugh about!
To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get Me Nots.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He was puttering around.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Knock Knock Golf Jokes
Sometimes a good joke can lighten up the mood. Well, I bet that these Knock Knock Golf Jokes can knock you up in the ground laughing!
Noah golf pro who can fix your swing?
Andy to ave a water golf ball retriever for the round with you!
I’d cry too if I played golf like you.
Tahiti hole in one, you need to hit the golf ball straight.
Extra: Golf Jokes for Seniors
A lot of Seniors love playing golf and also, they love jokes. Therefore we’ve combined it together and compiled these hilarious Golf Jokes for Seniors that I’m sure you’ll like.
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3.
After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin.
A fan in the crowd said “Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?”
Mr. Palmer replied, “Do you own a 3 iron?”
The fan said, “Yes, sir I do.”
“How far do you hit it?” said Palmer. About 160 yards was his reply.
Palmer calmly said, “What the hell do you want it to back up for?”
Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best-ball match… wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation.
On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen-foot putt to win the match.
She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole… dead on line.
Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, “Right train, wrong ticket.”
The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, “No sleeper cars on that train either”