Funny Jokes from Comedians

53 Funny Jokes from Comedians – Legendary!

There’s nothing funnier jokes and puns than from amazing comedians, right? They deliver original and hilarious jokes from their experiences. How good is that? When you’re with them, there’s never a dull moment! See these compiled jokes from different comedians, try not to laugh!

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Funniest Jokes Ever from Comedians

There’s a saying, “comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die”. Now, please don’t die from laughing reading all these funniest jokes ever from the legendary comedians.


“Before you marry a person you should make first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”

Will Ferrell


When choosing sexual partners. Remember: Talent is not transmittable

Tina Fey

When choosing sexual partners. Remember Talent is not transmittable Tina Fey


“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”

Stephen Colbert


Criminal: Your money or your life …
Benny: [Pause.]
Criminal: Look, bud. I said your money or your life.
Benny: I’m thinking it over.

Jack Benny


“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.” 

Margaret Cho


“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. Do you know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? Do you know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’”

Chris Rock


“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.”

Mitch Hedberg


“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.”

Richard Lewis

We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. Richard Lewis


Did you hear about the two silkworms in a race? It ended in a tie!


“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.”

Phil Cornwell


“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.”

Josie Long

What’s a couple I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. Josie Long


My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.


Best One-liners from Comedians

We live in the luckiest days of our lives because we still get to see classic and legendary comedians. We are able to hear their hilarious jokes! We have more comedy icons, meaning we will be laughing more with their wit and amazing minds!


“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!”

Greg Davies


“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

Jack Whitehall

I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall


A man just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter. 

How dairy


“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.”

Buddy Hackett


“Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

Tim Vine

Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine


“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.”

Phil Wang


“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”

Sara Pascoe

I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved. Sara Pascoe


I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.


“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

Joe Lycett


“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.”

Rob Beckett


My next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.


“As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

Gary Delaney

As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. Gary Delaney


“Do Transformers get a car or life insurance?”

Russell Howard


“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”

Rhod Gilbert


I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.


“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’”

Stewart Francis

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that. Stewart Francis


I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.


Hilarious Jokes From Comedy Legends

We live for memes, we live for our legendary comedians’ jokes. Their legendary jokes keep us alive and sane, so far! 


“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.”

Les Dawson

My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles. Les Dawson


“If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract.”

Jon Stewart


“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

Ellen DeGeneres


“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”

Larry David

 


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.


“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

Bob Hope on banks

Read more: FUNNY Money Jokes


“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments Steven Wright


“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”

Steve Martin on the perfect woman


My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”


“If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.” 

Jonathan Winters

If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport. Jonathan Winters


“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

Jackie Mason


“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

Billy Crystal on aging


“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

Mel Brooks on the difference between comedy and tragedy


“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something.”

Jackie Mason on wealth

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something Jackie Mason on wealth


“Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.” 

Maria Bamford


“Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list.”

Denis Leary


“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.”

Milton Berle

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle


“I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.”

Garry Shandling


“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.”

Joel Dommett


“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.”

Victoria Wood


I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Tommy Cooper


I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said Are you two an item


I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.


Summary

Today, we live for memes, puns, and hilarious jokes. But never forget that our legendary and classic comedians started it all and will continue to do so to make us laugh, live, and laugh again! They are a reminder that LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!

Julia
I am Julia, I love to laugh and I love to make people laugh.