55 Amazingly Hilarious Comedian Jokes 2024

The best comedy comes from a country with one of the greatest natural resources in the free world. I’m talking about the course, America’s got plenty to offer when it comes downing some laughs – we’ve got more iconic comedians per capita than any other nation on Earth! From old legends like Groucho Marx and Lenny Bruce right up through modern-day masters whose wit has kept us sane during tough times such as Chris Rock David Letterman they’ll always be there for you reminding us that laughter is vitalizing medicine capable not only healing emotional wounds but also physical ailments

When you think that laughter can’t be topped, these funny people share the one joke that always makes them laugh.

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Comedians Best One-Liner Jokes

Blessed are those people living within hearing distance from any possible source giving off hilarious thoughts because they will never know how much joy such moments provide; we should!

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said: “Are you two an item?”

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.

“Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
Tim Vine

Did you hear about the two silkworms in a race? It ended in a tie!

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter.
How dairy

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.”
Richard Lewis

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”
Rhod Gilbert

Comedian’s Favorite Jokes

From Groucho Marx and Lenny Bruce all the way up through modern-day masters like Chris Rock or David Letterman – who have been known time after time again bring laughter into people’s lives with their quick-witted observations on life today- it can be easily become lost without these legends around every corner reminding you why funny stuff still matters even when everything else might seem crazy.

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I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
Tommy Cooper

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“The problem with life is that your library card has expired by the time you can read women like a book.”
Milton Berle

“If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract.”
Jon Stewart

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’”
Stewart Francis

“Do Transformers get a car or life insurance?”
Russell Howard

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.”
Rob Beckett

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
Joe Lycett

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“As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
Gary Delaney

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”
Steve Martin on the perfect woman

“If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.”
Jonathan Winters

“I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.”
Garry Shandling

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.”
Joel Dommett

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.”
Victoria Wood

Hilarious Comedian Jokes

We’re the luckiest people in this country because we get to live with so many great comedians. Groucho Marx and Lenny Bruce were icons before us, but now there’s also Chris Rockor DavidLetterman who make our lives more fun by telling hilarious jokes all day long!

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“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something.”
Jackie Mason on wealth

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”
Billy Crystal on aging

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
Bob Hope on banks

Criminal: Your money or your life …
Benny: [Pause.]
Criminal: Look, bud. I said your money or your life.
Benny: I’m thinking it over.
Jack Benny

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.”
Phil Wang

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”
Sara Pascoe

“Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.”
Maria Bamford

“Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. Do you know what he hates? Naps. End of list.”
Denis Leary

“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.”
Margaret Cho

When choosing sexual partners. Remember: Talent is not transmittable
Tina Fey

“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”
Stephen Colbert

Stand Up Comedian Jokes

We are a nation that values humor and the truth, which is why we have so many great comedians. Legends like Groucho Marx and Lenny Bruce paved the way for modern-day masters such as Chris Rock to keep us sane with their pithy observations on life in America today – they’re all part of what makes this country great!

Laugh more here: Hilarious Country Jokes

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!”
Greg Davies

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.”
Phil Cornwell

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. Do you know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? Do you know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’”
Chris Rock

“Before you marry a person you should make first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.”
Josie Long

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.”
Buddy Hackett

“My father drank so heavily that he lit the candles when he blew on the birthday cake.”
Les Dawson

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“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
Ellen DeGeneres

“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”
Larry David

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”
Jackie Mason

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
Mel Brooks on the difference between comedy and tragedy

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs.”
Mitch Hedberg

Summary

In a world where we are constantly being barraged by humor through TV shows and social media, it is refreshing to have live comedy performances that will make you laugh out loud. From the classic films of Hollywood’s Golden Age era with Groucho Marx or Lenny Bruce in their prime as well modern-day masters like Chris Rock who continues on today making us laugh until our sides hurt! There really isn’t anything more therapeutic than watching someone perform standup locally because they’re just so good at what they do and knowing full well no matter how many times I see them perform again this year (or any other time)