Funny Vampire Jokes

85 Funny Bloody Vampire Jokes

Who doesn’t love a good laugh? And what about vampires — don’t you want to hear a few funny vampire jokes? I know I do. I just read the first one in this article on my iPhone, and it made me chuckle. If you’re like me, you may have always wondered how vampires got their reputation for being unfunny. Can’t they tell a joke or two? Maybe that’s why they suck your blood instead — to pay for the comedy club membership.

Vampire jokes don’t usually make me laugh, but a few of these had me chuckling. I’ve heard most of them before, but there were a few new ones for me.

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Hilarious Vampire Jokes

Vampires have a way of bringing the best humor out of people. Whether you believe in them or not, they make for some great jokes. Check out these funny vampire jokes to see if you think they’re as hilarious as ours!

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What is a vampire’s favorite fruit to eat when they need Vitamin C?
Blood oranges.

What is a vampire's favorite fruit to eat when they need Vitamin C Blood oranges.


What is a cross-dressing vampire called?
A Dragula.


What is a group of vampire groupies called?
A fang club.


When do ideas kill vampires?
When they dawn upon them.


What do vampires usually call their boats?
Blood Vessel.


What type of vampires are always grumpy?
The ones with B negative blood type.

What type of vampires are always grumpy The ones with B negative blood type.


Why do people hate vampires in general?
Because they suck.


What is a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor?
It’s vein-illa.


Where do vampires not look that scary?
On reflection.


What would you call a vampire on sale?
A dis-Count Dracula.


Why was the local vampire club getting bigger constantly?
They are always out for new blood.


How did the vampire feel when he was partying at the club?
He had a bloody good time.

How did the vampire feel when he was partying at the club He had a bloody good time.


What would you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Frostbite.


What did the vampire doctor say to his patient?
You need more iron.


Why do vampires like attacking wizards?
They are neck-romancers.


What is a vampire’s favorite brand of beer?
Bloodweiser.


Why do vampires need mouthwash?
To combat bad breath.

Why do vampires need mouthwash To combat bad breath.


Why are vampires, massive sociopaths?
They have zero capability of self-reflection.


Why do vampires refuse to bet on horses?
Because of their inability to handle the stakes.


What is a redneck vampire’s favorite drink?
Blood Light.


I went to a party dressed as Count Dracula and ate all the snacks. My costume was Vampire The Buffet Slayer.


Dracula doesn’t have any other vampire friends. It’s because he’s a total pain in the neck.

Dracula doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.


Where do vampires deposit all their money?
The blood bank.


What is a vampire s favorite drink when they party?
Bloody Mary.


What does the doctor vampire say when he calls up a patient?
Necks, please!


What happened at the vampire sprint race?
It is finished neck and neck.

What happened at the vampire sprint race It is finished neck and neck.


If vampires were furry creatures, what would they be called?
Nos-fur-atu.


What is usually the last meal of a vampire before execution?
A steak!


If you want to kill a French vampire, you must stab him with a baguette. It’s pretty painstaking if you ask me.


Why do vampires not want to become investment bankers?
They hate stakeholders.

Why do vampires not want to become investment bankers They hate stakeholders.


I felt stupid dressing up on Halloween after I’d turned 13. I thought people might say I was a little bit long on the tooth and still pretending to be a vampire.


Once I invited ten vampires over for a dinner party. I made the fatal mistake and put garlic in the dressing. People are calling it Buffet The Vampire Slayer.


Vampires hate the sea because it’s salty. They much prefer to go fishing in the bloodstream.


Dracula Jokes

We assume you like them if you’ve made it this far through the article. To help you with your Dracula joke addiction, we thought it would be helpful to compile some of our favorites. They’re not all winners, but we hope some of them will make you laugh – or at least smile.

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Why did Dracula take up math as a subject in college?
Because he loves to Count.

Why did Dracula take up math as a subject in college Because he loves to Count.


You can’t ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They’re way too busy looking for their necks victim.


Why can you never win in a boxing match with Dracula?
Nobody can ever beat the Count.


Why does Dracula not have friends?
He’s such a pain in the neck.


The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.


Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
Because he was coffin too much.

Why did Dracula take cold medicine Because he was coffin too much.


What is the name of Dracula’s vegan brother?
Count Rucola.


What is Dracula’s favorite fruit?
Neck-tarines


How does Dracula get his torch to turn on?
With bat-teries.


What happened when Dracula posted prohibited content on YouTube?
A Count was suspended.


What would Dracula with a guitar be called?
Vondervall.

What would Dracula with a guitar be called Vondervall.


Why did Superman fail to defeat Dracula?
He could not go to the Krypt Tonight.


What was your favorite subject of Dracula in school?
Ac-count-ing


Where does Dracula buy writing utensils from?
Pencil-veinia.


Where does Dracula usually take a bath?
In bat tubs.

Where does Dracula usually take a bath In bat tubs.


Why doesn’t Dracula attack chickens?
Because chickens have fowl blood.


What would you get when you cross a vampire with sheep?
Drac-Ewe-La.


What is Dracula’s favorite coffee order?
Decoffinated.

What is Dracula's favorite coffee order Decoffinated.


If you’re wondering if someone’s become a vampire, there’s an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always in a coffin.


Why did Dracula divorce his wife after she took a blood test?
She wasn’t his type.


What song did Van Hel sing when he killed the last clone of Dracula?
‘The Final Countdown’


Why did Dracula turn over a new leaf?
He wanted to be re-vamped.

Why did Dracula turn over a new leaf He wanted to be re-vamped.


Why are all other monsters good friends with Dracula?
Because they could always Count on him.


Vampires tend to stay away from Taylor Swift. I’ve been told it’s because she has bad blood.


Why does Dracula always read the best-reviewed newspaper?
Someone told him it had good circulation.


Why did Dracula fail at Art?
He was only able to draw blood.


What does Dracula say to greet everyone when he wakes up?
Good evening.


Why is Dracula not invited to parties?
Because he sucks the life out of them.

Why is Dracula not invited to parties Because he sucks the life out of them.


Funny Vampire and Dracula Puns and Jokes

If you’re a horror fan or like to read funny vampire and Dracula puns and jokes, you found yourself in the right place! These are great vampire jokes you’re going to love.

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Fang you very much.

Fang you very much.


Dracula is vegan. He can’t take any risks. One stake could kill him.


I’ve always been a little bit batty.


Fangs for the memories.


It sucks to be me.


I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!


Vampires can always Count on me.


Don’t get too close to a vampire. They have a severe case of bat breath.


You are my blood type.

You are my blood type.


I don’t know what Dracula’s address is, but I’m pretty sure he lives on a dead-end street.


I hope you have a fang-tastic Halloween!


Vampires are not even real unless you are Count Dracula.


After hearing some of my Count Dracula jokes, I was told that Dracula had turned over a new leaf. He’s been re-vamped.


I hope you have a bloody good Halloween!


On reflection, vampires aren’t that scary.

On reflection, vampires aren't that scary.


I fell out with my best friend because he didn’t invite me to his Halloween party. I hope it sucks.


A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn’t his type.


College-age vampires only ever shop in one place – Forever 21.


Vampires tend to drink Blood Light, but only from a longneck bottle.


The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.


One thing you won’t catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.


There’s a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I want to join their fang club.

There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I want to join their fang club.


I met the child of a snowman and a vampire. He was suffering from a severe case of frostbite.


Summary

Vampires are an easy target for comedy; these jokes don’t disappoint. They are unique, clever at times, and even interactive at points. A lot of work was put into some of the tricks, with animations or sounds adding an extra spark to the experience. Overall, the app does an excellent job of capturing the mishaps and hilarity that often surround vampires in popular culture.

This article is for you if you’re a fan of vampires and vampire-themed stories. Whether or not these jokes tickle your funny bone, readers can learn something from them. The article showcases how to make a joke out of anything; it takes an intimidating subject like vampires and makes it extraordinary. This is something that anyone can do—not just professional comedians or writers.

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Julia
I am Julia, I love to laugh and I love to make people laugh.