79 Funny Retirement Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

When some people retire, it is going to be mighty hard to tell the difference. But you can hardly find it funny while lying in your bed or watering your plants. Plus, you can also find it amazing ‘coz you’ll get a 10% discount! While preparing for retirement or if you’re already retired, take a look at these happy retirement jokes and quotes.

You or a friend finally made it to retirement age? You’ve realized that your years of hard work are over, and now it’s time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. But retirement can be boring – only can be! So here are some jokes you can tell, keeping the party going!

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While you are at it, you can also check our Best Boss Jokes and Puns

Funny Retirement Jokes One Liners

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money. Retirement gets to you when every day is Saturday. Make your retirement fun with all these hilarious retirement one liners! Retirement is not for wimps. Try not to laugh while reading it!

The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

It gets to you when every day is Saturday.

It gets to you when every day is Saturday

Retirement has cured many a businessman’s ulcers – and given his wife one.

Retirement is like one big sick day without the sick pay.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What did the gardener do after they retired?

Not mulch.

Read more: Funny Garden Jokes

Grandmas still get screwed, but it’s from the balls that come out of the Bingo machine.

Caution: Retired

Knows everything and has plenty of time to tell you about it.

If the music’s too loud, make sure that you turn down your hearing aid.


Where the money’s no better but the hours are!

How do you know you are old enough to retire?

Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it!


World’s longest coffee break

Read more: Coffee Puns and Jokes

Retirement World’s longest coffee break

Retirement Jokes for Teachers

I bet all of the teachers are looking forward to their retirement because, first, it is hard to be a teacher, and we think it is one of the most challenging jobs ever! So, they deserve to savor this moment. Teachers may miss their students, but that’s life. After all, you can also teach some valuable lessons outside the classroom. While you are it, check our retiring teacher jokes.

Read more: Jokes about Teachers 

I survived a teaching career with my sanity intact.

Retired Teacher: Now I have 12 months off per year.

Retired Teacher: Every child. Left behind.

Retirement Jokes for Coworkers

These jokes on retirement are perfect! Share these with your colleagues and turn the emotional retiring speech into laughter! Check it out because you’ll never know when you really need it. 

Congratulations. You’ve retired from your job.
Too bad the next step is retiring from life!

I hear retirement is lonely.
I hope you don’t get lonely.
If you do, don’t call me, I’ll be at work.

You’ve finally reached retirement age!
Does that make you old or me young?

He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement.


It’s not the end of your life, it’s the end of your bank account!

Laugh more: Hilarious Finance Jokes

Retirement Its not the end of your life its the end of your bank account

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.

Laugh more: Best Jokes Ever Told

Jokes for Retirement Parties

Planning for a retirement party? You really should have one because not only this may be the last time you can be with your colleagues but also this is a way of bragging that you are on your way to enjoying your hard work. Have a look at our crazy retirement party jokes!

My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party…
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

Dave from my work retired today, at his retirement party he stepped out for a cigarette and I noticed everybody called him Scarecrow, I asked why;
Turns out he was outstanding in the field

At my recent birthday party, someone asked me when I planned to retire.
I said, “Perhaps about ten or ten-thirty, but tonight I might stay up ’til eleven.”

Funny Retirement Puns

Are you looking for more retirement humor? It turns out, we have more! Retirement doesn’t mean you also need to have retired humor. Gear up and scroll down for more fun!

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

Why do Retirees smile all the time?

Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

Why do Retirees smile all the time Because they can't hear a word you're saying

Why did the prostitute retire?

She screwed up!

How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it might take all day.

Why did the robber retire?

He just couldn’t take it anymore!

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Why are there so many old people in Church?

They’re cramming for the final.

How do you know your old?

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

One wife about retirement:

“Twice as much husband for half the income.”

Hey, I got a joke for you: what do all retired people like doing most?

Social Security!

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted, in-laws are not!

What do retirees call a long lunch Normal

Why did the astronaut retire?

He got spaced out!

Why did the butcher retire?

He was cut off in his prime!

What do you call a retired lawyer?

Supremely qualified!

What do retirees call a long lunch?


What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?


Laugh more with our best tuesday jokes

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday Retired

“I am retired, you’re not! Have fun at work tomorrow!”

When do retiree’s make plans for their exciting, new, madcap adventures?

As soon as they’ve had their afternoon nap!

Why are retired people who are misers so special?

They make wonderful ancestors.

How many days are there in a Retiree’s week?

6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

How many days are there in a Retiree's week 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Funny Retirement Speech Jokes

These jokes about funny retirement speeches are worth your time. You will never know when you need it. So, take time to read our funny retirement speech jokes. 

Wait, you’re leaving?
I thought we were just all excited you were getting new tires on your car!

I couldn’t be happier unless of course, I was the one retiring.
But, I’m still happy-ish for you.

Now that you’re retired, you can binge-watch all those great Netflix shows!

What will you do the second week?

We all aspire to retire, and then what?

We all aspire to retire, and then what

When I retire, I’m going to enjoy my life and live off my savings. 

Not sure what I’m going to do on the second day though!

Dad Jokes for Retirement

Well, this list is not complete if we don’t have some dad retirement jokes. Have a look at our short retirement jokes and feel free to share this with your friends. 

Read: Funny typical dad jokes

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Just remember, it’s better to pay full price than to admit you’re a senior citizen.

How can you tell that you’re getting old?

You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

When is a retiree's bedtime Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch

Why did the asshole retire?

He was tired of being the butt of all the jokes!

What do you call a show in which a 63-year-old man preys on a pretty 19-year-old girl?

The Bald and the Beautiful.

Another World’s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

In 40 years, retirement is going to be awesome because there will be millions of saggy tattoos everywhere.

Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?

It keeps them from rolling out of bed!

I’m not retired! Golfing is a full-time job!

I'm not retired! Golfing is a full-time job

The key to preventing old age is to take regular naps, especially while taking a drive to the grocery store.

Retirement Knock Knock Jokes

Are you have with our retirement roast jokes so far? We still have some knock-knock jokes. These are not retired jokes. Have a look and let us amuse you. 

Laugh more: Knock Knock Jokes

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Says who?
Says me, that’s who!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Roach who?
Roach you an email last week and I’m still waiting for a response.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
I. O.
I. O. who?
Me. When are you paying me back?

Laugh more: EPIC Math Jokes – from Simple Prime Numbers to Odd Jokes for Nerds

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?!”

Practical Jokes for Retirement and Jokes About Pensions

Want some more? Our pensioner jokes will leave you rolling on the floor. Every retiree is excited about their pensions and you should be! Take your happiness to the next level with our collection of jokes. 

Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?

The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

My dad’s retiring from his medical practice. I asked him if he was sad he was losing all his patients.
He replied, “I can’t wait.”

What is so special about the age of sixty-five?

You finally have enough experience and then have to retire!

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job

Behind every retired man is a woman wishing he would go back to work.

Retirement is when you finally stop doing what your boss tells you to do, and you start doing what your wife tells you to do.

Funny Retirement Quotes

Read more: Best Funny Quotes by Famous People

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” — Winston Churchill

“You can’t retire from being great.” — Unknown

“I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.” — Unknown

Laugh here: Funniest Morning Jokes

“Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.” — Kellie Elmore

“When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money.” — Chi Chi Rodriguez

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” — A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.” — Fred Rogers

“What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.” — Unknown

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

Summary Jokes about Retirement

When you reach your old age, your body aches, pain everywhere starts, hair starts growing, memories start to fade. But you can still celebrate and make retirement a funny thing! Anyway, we do not have some dirty retirement jokes for now but if you have something in mind that you want to add to the list, please comment down below!

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I am Julia, I love to laugh and I love to make people laugh.